Confessions with Jayde

It’s something about the darkness that makes you feel so alone. There is no longer the company of the sun shining on your skin to make you feel alive or the familiar voices of friends surrounding you.

At night there is only silence and the dark silence always breaks you, as much as you try to stop it.

You feel alone and you feel like you’re drowning in your own thoughts and sadness. You look at the clock, you stare at the phone watching each minute pass hoping you’ll fall asleep soon so you can wake up again when the sun is up.

There’s something about being alone at 1 AM that makes you feel like the whole world is against you. You think about every life choice you’ve made and how you could have done so much better. You think about all the regretful choices you made, if only you knew then what you know now how things would be so much different.

You feel so used to the pain, almost as it’s no longer sadness you feel in the darks of the night, but instead you feel numb. You feel nothing. The tears that you cry aren’t sobs anymore, they’re silent; they just stream down your face without a sigh, almost as it is a routine.

The emptiness you feel makes you exhausted, but you still can’t sleep. You feel nothing at the same time you feel everything and your mind just constantly wanders. You think of everything while feeling nothing, it a strange twist of emotions you can’t really explain.

It’s the time of night you convince yourself that no one likes you. You tell yourself no one would notice if you just packed up and left.

Your brain tells you that you’ll never find real love because you’re not worthy of it. You think about how much you hate yourself, you completely destroy everything you’ve been working on about self-love because the voices are so powerful at 1 AM when you’re trapped alone with your thoughts in the silence of the night.

You wish you had someone to talk to, you wish you had someone by your side, you wish anyone was by your side because then maybe you wouldn’t feel so alone. But there is no one there.

The negative thoughts continue to flood your brain and it kills you inside. You start thinking you did something to deserve this pain, you start worsening the self-inflicted pain because that’s really all it is. It’s you turning the knife in yourself a little deeper.

It’s hurting yourself a little more because maybe you find comfort in the pain, maybe you find comfort in the sadness you feel in the night.

For whatever reason this person is unforgettable, irreplaceable, and relentlessly ingrained in your mind. No matter what you do or how much time has passed or how many people you have dated since, they are still there. No matter if you are on good terms or bad terms, there is hardly a day you can remember that they have not crossed your mind. Even though you don’t quite need them anymore, you can’t get them out of your head.

For some reason, you cannot let this person go.

Letting them go would mean that you would allow yourself to forget about the impact they made on your life. Letting them go would mean that part of your life that you held onto so dearly would no longer exist. And just because they may not hold any importance to you any more, you still keep tabs on them – a conversation here and there, liking each other’s photos once in a while. You are “friends.” But oh, you are so much more. You are more than that because of the history that has built your relationship to this point.

Even when you are happy and have moved on from them, for whatever reason you don’t hesitate to check their Instagram page; you wonder if they are happy or you hope that they see that picture you posted. You can’t help but listen to that song that reminds you of them every once in a while. While you can’t help but think about how happy you are without them, they still linger. You have moved on, but part of them still sticks with you and you cannot explain why you care so much.

Sometimes you want to scream “Get out of my head!” or “Leave me alone!” And it works. You temporarily forget and they temporarily stop bothering you. This helps for a while, until you think to yourself that you just want to be back in their head. Or perhaps you are already in their head? What if they are thinking of you? What if we are both sitting here waiting for someone to say something? Waiting. Waiting on what, though? Nothing?

And even if you to talk, it is just a tease because you know that you are just are just in a standstill. You are stuck in some kind of warped and twisted friendship that can only be defined by the word “complicated”. Every message, every “like”, every random chance that they communicate with you is just a reminder that you somehow crossed their mind. Whether it is a random emoji at 2am or a full-out conversation to catch up on each other’s lives, you can’t help but wonder what they want with you. Why are they bothering you? Why are they keeping you around for silly conversation? What is the point if you have both moved on and are happy – why is it that you keep creeping into each other’s lives?

Even after all that has happened, you still ask yourself what is next. You wonder to yourself if you will ever work it out. You don’t even want to be with them anymore, but you can’t just leave them behind.

Somewhere deep, deep inside you know it’s not over. There is no closure in the world that would allow you to let this just wash away from you that easily. You become with content with simply having them in your life as an acquaintance than to live life without them at all. You would rather always wonder and wait and wish, than to banish them from your head at all. But why even bother?

You’ll miss this person in little moments that’ll catch you by surprise. Moments where you think you’re fine and you’ve moved and things are okay. Suddenly it’ll hit you and it’s going to feel like someone knocked the wind out of you. Because you realise loving someone doesn’t just go away because they did.

And it’s not gonna be at 3 in the morning when you’re lying there alone in bed. It’s going to be at 3 in the afternoon, on an average Tuesday, when you’re laughing with your friends or family and suddenly you just stop.

It’ll be in the jumper that falls from your closet you forget about and never gave back. It’ll be when Christmas comes around and you’re sitting on your couch looking at the tree and you think back to how much has changed in a year when they was right there with you. It’ll be in the song you hear on the radio that hurts but you don’t change the station. It’ll be on the roads you used to drive and you look over at an empty passenger seat thinking about when they used to be there.

You’ll miss them in the places you used to go together and now you sit there alone. Hurting and aching silently, only you look like you’re okay. Because you have to be. It’ll be in the coffee shop you used to go to often and the barista asks if you want your usual two coffees. So you stop going there.

You’ll miss them in the moments people don’t know it ended and they ask how they’re doing or where is he/she and you realise you lost the right to know that answer a long time ago.

You’ll miss them in the letter you held onto or the card you couldn’t throw away and you’ll reread words that take you back to a time when they were real. It’ll be in the pictures you find face down in your junk drawer that you know should have thrown away but you didn’t.

You’ll miss them when something good or bad happens and you look at your phone staring at the date of the last time you spoke and something about that little detail hurts like hell.

You’ll miss them when you hear someone say their name in public and your head will turn sharply thinking it’s them and your heart will race.

But you’ll miss them the moment you see them again and you make awkward eye contact. He/she looks the same but you realise you’re staring at a familiar stranger. Maybe small talk is exchanged and what isn’t being said between the words, ‘how are you?’ is ‘I miss you.’ ‘Do you ever think of me too?’ So instead you say fine.

And you look back one last time hoping maybe they’re watching too. Because maybe if they was even for a moment you’d be taken back to a time when love didn’t hurt so badly.

I know you’re hurting. Right now, the entire world is crashing down on you. It’s like nothing is making sense. And so you sit there with your head full of confusion. You try to keep your thoughts straight. You try to steady the rhythm of your heart. I know in this moment you’re torn. You think you’re broken beyond repair.

Your legs are heavy. You close your eyes and all you can see is all that you’re lacking, all that you’ve lost, all that’s left you behind. When you put your hands to your chest it’s as if there’s an empty space where your heart used to be. No matter what you do, or say, or where your feet wander, there’s something missing. And you just can’t seem to find answers, or healing, or light anymore.

You shuffle through your days. Your mind wanders at stoplights, gazing into other cars, wishing you could have their lives, their happiness, their peace. You absentmindedly doodle in the corners of your notepads, you zone out during meetings, you long to be anyone, anywhere else.

No matter what energy you try to build, what love you try to bring in, what positive words you attempt to speak to yourself, you feel helpless, worthless, alone. You’re not yourself anymore. You haven’t been for a while.

When you think of where you are, you feel as if you’re irreparable, as if the wounds sliced through your heart can’t be fixed. You want to cry, scream, destroy everything around you, but you barely have the energy to stand.

You dial the number of your ex.
You still have it memorised.
And yet you stop short of a dial.
You know he or she could take away your pain.
But, what’s the point?
It’s only temporary.
The pain always comes back.

Trusting was easy for you because you assumed people would never betray you. You often believed the good in people. You never thought badly about them. You were just an innocent, affectionate person, who had no idea how cruel this world can get.

Remember who you were before this person came into your life and spun you in circles. Remember how you laughed at your own jokes, how you danced with your friends, how you stayed up too late binge watching TV series and painted your toenails white. Remember how you made meals for one and ate them while talking on the phone to one of your close friends.

It’s time to stop surrounding yourself with people who make you feel lonelier than you would if you were alone. These people are a manifestation of a fear of loneliness, they cannot and will not fill that void. It’s time to stop filling your head with thoughts that hinder your growth, whether these were original or unoriginal thoughts. You are the only one inhibiting your growth.

It’s watching old videos and rereading old conversations you had with the people you thought would stay with you forever, it’s crying yourself to sleep at night with all the miserable things going on in your life but there’s no one to comfort you, it’s overthinking things but there’s no one to calm your storms and uncertainties, it’s wanting to give up, but there’s no one who cares enough to stop you.

Why do you do the things you do, think the way you think, feel the way you feel? Why do you so freely forgive the ones who have wronged you, but punish yourself constantly for things that are insignificant in the grand scheme of things? Why do you give yourself a free pass to treat others one way, but find yourself upset when they do the same to you? The people we meet in our lives are a part of a journey larger than ourselves. They are meant to crack open pieces of ourselves that need healing, and give us a sense of where our strengths and weaknesses lie. Look at who you have attracted into your inner circle and ask yourself, what do these people say about me? What do I like about them? Do I like them? Do I like me?

What qualities do you wish you had within yourself, and more importantly, why do you not have them already? What is it that’s stopping you from becoming who you feel you are meant to become? Are you enjoying yourself or doing what you feel you need to do to get by? Are you living your life the way you want to, or the way it has been mapped out for you by someone else?

There is no such thing as ‘too broken’ in the eyes of God. Read more ›